I’m going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages- ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love, is quality time. Some are very touchy people- they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts- they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse- they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff- shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you.
Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don’t? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn’t match our needs.
I’m going to be honest here- my husband and I don’t speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I’m comfortable with words, and don’t mind speaking what’s on my heart. He’s comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. I screenshot them if they are written, or store them up in my mental bank if they are spoken, and consider them some of my greatest treasures. But on days when they don’t come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
I think it’s important to look for love in any healthy form that it’s offered. It’s wise to know the different ways love is expressed, and accept that sometimes, it’s spoken in ways we don’t use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, “you are my world- the best thing that ever happened to me.” Or, “you’re the most beautiful woman and I treasure your love.” And if I make that choice, I’m missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me- eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate love for you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar- your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that’s great. But if they do not, don’t assume you aren’t valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different, and we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way.
Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontent- it’s where he begins to dismantle your marriage. He speaks lies promising something much better- much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don’t listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don’t expect them to meet your every need- only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves- without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we have been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find that you’ve been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to your own tongue.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn’t speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always, help me to remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
