How I Felt about him When we were Apart

My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.
When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn’t know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.
I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn’t like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn’t that I didn’t have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn’t do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.
We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor – a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn’t always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn’t matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV
Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV
May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV
Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it’s hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen!